You people deserve the mess we are all in. You embrace and love your technology even if it puts you out of business. You hate the two candidates you voted in primaries to represent your terrible parties. Almost certainly the playoff will consist of some combination of Alabama, Michigan, Washington, Clemson, Ohio State and Louisville. Even if we get some chaos looks who is waiting in the wings, Auburn and Oklahoma. The rich just get richer, especially if we remember that Louisville hasn’t exactly been hurting for athletic success. Do you really think your efforts matter? No matter what happens we are all about to lose our jobs to a delayed depression, Alabama will win yet another title, and the world ends in nuclear hellfire around 2018 when one of Vladimir Putin, Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump finds the button to tempting to press. I hope the last thing you people see if my maroon middle finger sticking up out of the rubble the cockroaches begin their takeover.
Screw all of you and everything, let’s get to it.
The “Win And Your In” Conference
The “Contenders” Division
Alabama (9-0)
Clemson (9-0)
Michigan (9-0)
Washington (9-0)
The “Zombies Looking For Chaos” Conference
The “Never Actually Died And Will Probably Make The Playoff By Winning Out” Division
Louisville (8-1)
Ohio State (8-1)
The “Zombies That Did Die But Came Back To Life” Division
Auburn (7-2)
Penn State (7-2)
Virginia Tech (7-2)
Wisconsin (7-2)
The “Needs A Lot To Happen But Still Technically Alive” Division
West Virginia (7-1)
Western Michigan (9-0)
The “Eliminated” Conference
The “I Hate Everything And Want To Die” Division
Texas A&M (7-2)
The “Really Good Teams Just Hoping For A Good Bowl” Division
Colorado (7-2)
Florida State (6-3)
Nebraska (7-2)
North Carolina (7-2)
Oklahoma State (7-2)
Washington State (7-2)
The “Top Of The Mountain West Is A Clusterfuck Of Broken Dreams” Division
Boise State (8-1)
San Diego State (8-1)
Wyoming (7-2)
The “Top Of The AAC Is A Clusterfuck Of Broken Dreams” Division
Houston (7-2)
South Florida (7-2)
Temple (7-3)
Tulsa (7-2)
The “Good Teams Hoping For A Decent Bowl” Division
Arkansas (6-3)
LSU (5-3)
Minnesota (7-2)
Navy (6-2)
Stanford (6-3)
Troy (7-1)
Utah (7-2)
Wake Forest (6-3)
The “Bad Good Teams” Division
Baylor (6-2)
Iowa (5-4)
Kansas State (5-4)
Northwestern (4-5)
Pitt (5-4)
Toledo (7-2)
Western Kentucky (7-3)
The “Good Bad Teams” Division
Appalachian State (7-2)
BYU (5-4)
California (4-5)
Central Michigan (5-5)
Eastern Michigan (5-4)
Florida (6-2)
Georgia Tech (5-4)
Indiana (5-4)
Louisiana Tech (7-3)
Memphis (6-3)
Miami (FL) (5-4)
Ohio (7-3)
TCU (5-4)
USC (6-3)
The “I Have No Idea But I’m Salty As Fuck” Division
Mississippi State (4-5)
The “SEC East Is A Circlejerk Dumpster Fire” Division
Georgia (5-4)
Kentucky (5-4)
South Carolina (5-4)
Tennessee (6-3)
Vanderbilt (4-5)
The “Meh Bad Teams” Division
Arizona State (5-4)
Army (5-4)
Maryland (5-4)
Middle Tennessee St. (6-3)
N.C. State (4-5)
Old Dominion (6-3)
SMU (4-5)
Texas (5-4)
UCF (5-4)
The “Cream Of The Crap” Division
Air Force (6-3)
Akron (5-5)
Cincinnati (4-5)
Colorado State (5-4)
New Mexico (6-3)
Syracuse (4-5)
Texas Tech (4-5)
The “Just Crap” Division
Arkansas State (4-4)
Ball State (4-5)
Boston College (4-5)
Charlotte (4-5)
Georgia Southern (4-5)
Idaho (5-4)
North Texas (4-5)
Ole Miss (4-5)
South Alabama (4-5)
Southern Miss (5-4)
UL-Lafayette (3-5)
UTSA (5-4)
The “On The Edge Of Failure” Division
Duke (3-6)
ECU (3-6)
Hawaii (4-6)
Illinois (3-6)
Kent State (3-6)
Miami (OH) (4-6)
Nevada (3-6)
New Mexico State (2-6)
Northern Illinois (3-6)
Notre Dame (3-6)
Oregon (3-6)
Purdue (3-6)
Texas State (2-6)
Tulane (3-6)
UCLA (3-6)
UL-Monroe (3-6)
UNLV (3-6)
Utah State (3-6)
UTEP (3-6)
The “Not Just Eliminated But Also Not Bowling” Conference
The “No Bowls For You!” Division
Arizona (2-7)
Buffalo (2-7)
FAU (2-7)
FIU (3-7)
Georgia State (2-7)
Marshall (2-7)
Michigan State (2-7)
Missouri (2-7)
Oregon State (2-7)
Rutgers (2-7)
San Jose State (3-7)
UConn (3-7)
Virginia (2-7)
The “Hot Garbage” Division
Bowling Green (1-8)
Iowa State (1-8)
Kansas (1-8)
Rice (1-8)
The “Flaming Garbage” Division
Fresno State (1-9)
